--- By Joe Petrulionis
Halloween and all through the store,
Bing Crosby's _White Christmas_ played at a roar.
There just for candy, not decorations, not gifts,
But the store needed profits and the economy a lift.
The crowds were cantankerous, the cashiers rude,
To my "Sir, Where's the candy?" the clerk said, "dunno Dude."
My temples were throbbing when I asked him the reason.
Said, "Trick-or-treat candy was gone for the season."
"Its Halloween, surely you have candy to sell."
He answered in a language I don't know very well.
Then he pointed upstairs, with his middle finger
And he growled so loudly I didn't dare linger.
Walked all around, never found the next floor
But a half box of Snickers for sale by the door
I snatched up a handful dashed to the express line
But a couple before me was having a hard time.
Their cards would not swipe, they needed a manager,
whose key would not fix it. I suggested a hammer.
The elderly wife looked sweetly in my face.
And blasted me point blank with pepper spray mace.
Then out on the lot there arose such a din
Run away shopping carts in hurricane winds.
I dodged and I dashed and I tried really hard.
But three carts broadsided my new smart car.
As I pulled into my drive and turned off my lights
three teens egged me and disappeared in the night.
As I stepped over the threshold I soon realized
That the snicker bars were still at the store in a bag.
So my mood was real bad when my wife got home
from her costume party she'd attended alone.
Dressed as a Victoria Secret Angel...wings and all
I stood there dumbfounded as she walked down the hall,
dragging a fourteen foot scotch pine, yes newly cut,
She said only, "Darling, would you mind putting the tree up?"
It won't fit, I cried, in our nine foot den,
So where do you want it, she asked with a grin.
And that's how that angel got up on the tree
all because bloody Christmas does not start on friggin Halloween!
This so called "poem" was first read at a Sigma Tau Delta (Honorary English Society) meeting at Penn State University--Altoona. Shown here are Joe and Sandy Petrulionis exhibiting their entries for the "ugly sweater" competition.
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